'Foot Fall' of 2017

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Two broken feet…and Buddy!

For caregivers, it is hard to quiet the mind. We really are thinking for at least two people, at all times. If you are a parent, you may be thinking about your loved one with cancer, your children and your task list to keep life humming…sometimes you will remember to think about your own needs.

During the final few months of Jimmy’s life, I was feeling exhausted and worried and trying to be two steps in front of what could happen next. I wasn’t exactly as present as I should have been. Those around me encouraged me to take some time for myself: Go for a walk! Get some rest! Great and well meaning advice. I went for a walk and the home health nurse called to let me know she didn’t like what she was seeing with Jim’s health.  So, I sat down on a little wall in front of a house I was passing and decided I needed to cram a bunch of living into a small amount of time. I was going to get my hair done, a manicure and pedicure, and try to sneak out for lunch with a friend.  Maybe everyone was right! I needed to take some time to rejuvenate and be ready for what comes next.

I felt pressure to check all the boxes. Mom stuff? Check! Jim’s medicines ordered? Check! Home health scheduled? Check! Next, clean the house, pay the bills, walk the dogs…and buy dog food for a month out, just in case. My quest to feel more organized and ready for what may come next actually was hurting me. 

With a head full of orders to get a lot taken care of, I started off by going for a pedicure. My family was happy that I was doing something for myself!

I threw on some flip flops, drove to the salon and parked my car. I hopped out of the car and took a call from my niece and walked up three steps to the salon door. Just then, I realized that my car was still on! So, I turned around and lost my footing. I did a ‘60s Moondog surf move down the steps and landed in the asphalt parking lot. My niece was still on the phone and the contents of my purse were strewn all over the place. My knees, hands and elbows were covered in asphalt and little rocks. My feet? Yeah, they were not so lucky.  I knew instantly that I had broken them.  

There I was, putting on a show for  everyone in all the stores that face the parking. I will never be considered for an Olympic sport unless they come up with Cartoon style free falling. 

I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet! I called my sister and… she didn’t answer. As I crawled to sit on the step that I used as the finale of my grand fall, I actually saw her drive by! Then, of course, I started laughing. I sat on that step laughing, bleeding and watching my feet change color and swell like the imaginary wave I rode down the stairs.

I next called my son and he found me in a mess of a situation. We drove to the ER, and they took mercy on me and only casted one leg and gave me a boot for the other. When I returned home, my husband gave me his adjustable hospital bed and he moved to his recliner, together we took up most of the living room. What a pair we made!

There I was. I had to sit or lay down for weeks. Standing up hurt, but sitting still was hurting my heart and nervous system even worse. I felt so guilty for being out of commission. Jimmy needed me to help him and now I was asking him to drag his IV pole to the kitchen to grab me water.  I noticed the whole house sort of kicked into a panic mode. How were they going to manage all of the things that I did? 

We quickly learned the answer: they weren’t. The shift in the house was a necessary one. It was a good time for Jimmy to see what it was taking for me to not consider my own needs and take care of him. He did start doing a little more for himself. That, in turn, gave him more feelings of independence. My son who was living with us had to make some changes as well. He had to run to the store for us and help his dad a little more. The days were quiet, instead of me rushing in every morning to open the curtains and start the day with gusto! Instead, we lounged around. We watched a lot of Law and Order. We napped. I got to just BE with Jimmy. All my concerns about the near future and the far future changed. It really was time to slow down. Sit still. Just be. We did less and enjoyed the moments we were in more.

It was healing to have to stay put and to let the situation unfold organically. Honestly, we are only in control of a few things anyway. We can practice good healthy habits, like our SEES (Sleep, Eat, Exercise, and Spirit). The incessant worry about Jim’s every health issue was not changing much except the stress was making me out of focus and overwhelmed. The Foot Fall of 2017 ended up being a gift. I felt like the burden of doing was replaced with the gift of feeling my feelings and coming to terms with a lot of emotions. It gave me time to be grateful to sit next to my husband and hold hands while we napped or watched another episode of Detectives Stabler and Benson solve a NYC crime with the same actors from a near distant episode playing different characters. I remember the house being so full of peace. My son, Kyle recently showed me a photo he took of Jimmy and I sleeping during that time. Me on the couch and Jim in the chair. You see Law and Order on the TV. It is truly one of my favorite photos of us. Just being a married couple who naps. Just being. 

Soon after that, Jim went into hospice at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, I returned to walking around the hospital with a boot and a cast. I returned to taking the best care of Jimmy that was possible. 

What didn’t return was the notion that I was responsible for holding up the world. I was given time to realize the way to be present for your loved one is to rest and keep your mind free from too much worry. It literally means stay near them. Love them. Please don’t break your feet to learn this  kind of lesson! Love yourself enough to let this time in your life be one step at a time. Take time to be together.  It is worth it. Every second.  

Please take care and let me know if there is a topic you would like me to write about!