A Glimmer of Connection in the Midst of Chaos

Gradon, Jimmy and Kyle

There was a time when my sons, yes sons, both of them, broke their feet. My oldest thought it would be cool to show his friends at college that he could jump down a whole flight of stairs and really did a number on a major bone is his right foot. My youngest hurt his foot bowling. We cannot figure out how, but the Faulkner boys could always find a way to do something random. Jimmy, my husband, was in the hospital about an hour and a half away, dealing with complications from surgery.

I would get up, take the youngest to high school in his boot, drive the oldest to college in the opposite direction and then turn around and drive to Los Angeles to be with Jimmy. I would then leave there and do a repeat in backward motion to get the boys. Sometimes, we could go straight back to the hospital so they could see their dad.

My son didn’t tell me about his broken foot from jumping down the staircase. He had driven with Kyle to Cedars-Sinai to see their dad and I happened to notice him walking funny for a brief second. Gradon didn’t want to burden me with one more thing. He felt so bad about it. He confessed the injury and I took him into an orthopedics office the next day. The fracture was a bad one and he was close to needing surgery. He could not put any weight on it for six weeks and then he was leaving for an internship. That internship was keeping our spirits up throughout a rough health phase of Jimmy’s. So, the routine to drive two extra hours a day felt like a mission to me! He was going on that internship if I had anything to do with it. My youngest, Kyle, was not going to miss school or be late, all because even though he couldn’t drive either. Hilariously, I always fretted about them driving and at that moment, I had a change of heart…Wishing they could drive and be free.

I didn’t know how to handle this any other way because I was in deep caregiver mode. I only knew how to take care of my family. I felt the burden so deeply, I didn’t want to give that same feeling to anyone else. I didn’t want my kids to think they were not important. I did not want Jimmy to worry about them, while he was not doing well. So, I didn’t ask for help.

One day, my friend encouraged me to take the coast down to the hospital instead of the freeway. She made me promise to sit near the waves and listen to them ebb and flow. (Shout out to Wells Miller!) I felt so much stress about taking this little detour for so many reasons. Jimmy was waiting for me. Though I had a routine that was working, I did what my friend suggested and drove to a little stretch of beach that I had never been to before. I sat there, next to Point Mugu Rock, and listened to the waves and walked around looking for sea glass. (Not a stellar sea glass beach and I was a little bitter about that.) I started to feel the sun shining down on me and I let myself send some feelings out to sea. I let the constant voice in my head telling me to be on high alert go a bit. I let the feeling of not being good enough at handling everything leave my mind straight away. I remembered that I was doing what I could. I was even taking 15 whole minutes at the beach! Just me and a few seagulls that were not happy with me for being without snacks.

I remembered that I had two choices at this moment in time. One, fall apart. I really thought about it. I felt the urge to bawl my eyes out, chase away the seagulls or scream out to the ocean waves. I had done that in the past and would also in the future…but at this moment, I felt a tug to go in a different direction. This rush of happiness showed up. I realized how much I missed spending time driving my kids around town. I missed those days of sports and lessons and carpool. Now, they were literally trapped in the car with ME! And I was going to utilize this time to connect with them. Let me tell you, it turned into one of the best times for me. I got to wave at all of Kyles friends in the parking lot at his school (he just loved that. LOL) and I got to see the people (girls) waiting for Gradon at college to help him in the door with his backpack and crutches. We would stop for coffee sometimes, or a meal. I got to really listen to them while we drove on all the freeways (the 118, the 23, the 101, the 5, 170 or the 405 freeways) in southern California on the daily. Traffic? Yep. You know what? Not so bad when you can pepper your kids with questions and conversations!

I did rely on friends and family to help feed the dogs and my chickens. Sometimes the dogs were fed more than once. My dog Otis looked like a giant pug balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Much to his dismay, we made a chart to sign if you fed the dogs. I asked Jim’s friends to visit him at the hospital when I just couldn’t be there. Our family and friends loved helping us however they could. It was not difficult to ask but made me feel bad. That does get easier over time. Don’t stop asking for help! At some point Jimmy was released from the hospital and was home in our living room/makeshift hospital room and that was a help! Sometimes, he would come along with me to drop the kids off at their schools.

Kyle, Gradon and Jimmy

We even started to feel cool. I mean, how rare is it that your whole family is hurt all at once? I took photos of them. They felt a connection of some sort. When parenting older kids, we want to feel we are bonding or on the same wavelength of life. Some of my best conversations happened during this time. I do look back at that time and realize how fortunate I am. My husband was cared for. My kids were doing normal young men things like hurting themselves having fun. Overall, I wanted more than anything for them to have a “normal” life while we were navigating NET cancer. Sometimes I felt like we were an after school special on TV. But hey, we were making it work. Everything feels bigger when you are already dealing with an illness in your home. Things can stack up quickly, but we rocked it when we could!

Pretty soon, the kids healed up and Gradon left for CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) for his summer internship and Kyle was back to driving himself to his summer life of work and friends. I went back to missing that time with them. You realize that living with a loved one with cancer in your life is time consuming and to have a break to just focus on your family, even if it is in the car, is a gift. It is healing to know they are great to be around.

I couldn’t take away Jim’s cancer, and I couldn’t make my children stop growing up and moving on, but I chose to relish a period of time when we were together in our own way when times were difficult. I can look back and remember our conversations and what was borrowed time. It’s a win for me. It’s a win.

I hope that as you deal with difficult things that you must show up for, there is a moment where things feel right. Where the connection to your loved ones or community clicks and empowers you to steady yourself with the love around you. The Healing NET Foundation is here to support you and encourage you to take care of yourself. You are important.